The Cube

Here's a short article I was asked to write for the Newcastle student paper The Courier, which I wrote on the ITV television program The Cube. They didn't use it. Maybe I'm just not Geordie enough.

But it seems a shame to let this go to waste, seeing as I spent an entire afternoon of my life writing it, so here we are...

Phillip Schofield’s latest vehicle is quite the departure from his Gordon The Gopher or Fern Britton wielding days. Dramatically low-pitched voiceovers, big money prizes, Matrix-style slow motion, and a format so suspense-filled it makes 24 look like Tots TV.

But what it does have in common with many of Schofield’s works, is that it leaves the viewer perplexed as to whether they’re watching the best program currently on television, or the worst...because it’s ostensibly both.

The very concept of The Cube is simultaneously brilliant and ridiculous; contestants must perform apparently simple tasks, which are somehow made incredibly hard to perform purely because they’re taking place inside THE CUBE. As such, the show treats us to the spectacle of watching grown men attempt to catch balls in order to win £10,000, which by its very nature makes for tense viewing.

But because these games are seemingly so simple, the actual playing of them doesn’t fill up much of the show’s hour, and so – for a Saturday evening primetime slot – there is a lot (and I mean a lot) of slow motion and deliberation.

Which is just as well really. Gives me time to try and work out whether I love The Cube or hate it.

Gareth.